Metro Man: Giving Voice to Depression
By Jerry Attkisson
The late author William Styron and I have a number of things in common, the least of which is my writing efforts. We’re Sons of Virginia, having been born in the Tidewater region, and were educated in North Carolina – Styron at Davidson and Duke while I attended Wake Forest and Duke.
But our strongest link is a long time struggle with depression. In Darkness Visible Styron tells of his first experience with depression in his mid-60s in Paris, the "City of Light." When the above picture was taken in Paris a couple of years ago, I was the same age and the "blues" had turned "black."
Though it took me about 40 years to figure it out, my first experience with depression came in 1968 when I dropped out of Duke Law School. I joke now about having a "Dnf" degree from Duke, as in "did not finish." It was a serious failure then, and periodically depression has been my companion, with sometimes devastating effect on friends and finances. My wife has paid the biggest price, and without her help I would probably be homeless if alive.
During times of deep depression I’ve found it impossible to express myself. I’ve just come out of a six-week period of depression. And while the memory is still vivid in my mind, I want to attempt to describe what it is like.
• It’s a downward spiral; anxiety descends into anguish and helplessness becomes hopelessness.
• Pleasure is neither experienced nor recalled, and positive, optimistic thoughts give way to pessimism and negativity.
• Where creativity once flourished, forgetfulness reigns, and fatigue leads to exhaustion and the simplest tasks seem insurmountable.
• A fetal position in a dark room becomes a desirable escape from all human contact, and I’m immobilized by fear of damage to relationships and career.
• Self-esteem, much less self-confidence, gives way to self-doubt, and guilt consumes me because I can’t will myself out of the grip of depression.
• There is a paralysis of the spirit, and I fear a stigma is attached to my condition.
• The despair from an absence of hope too often proves fatal to others that is most frightening.
There’s an element of chemical imbalance in the brain that’s a part of depression. Fortunately, there are anti-depressants with minimal side effects. Frustratingly, drugs and other therapies don’t always hold the beast at bay. But I know from firsthand experience depression does eventually lift – like an obnoxious relative who comes to visit from time to time but does eventually leave.
If you or someone you love is kicking hard to keep their head above water with depression, get to a medical professional because it is senseless – and extremely dangerous – to try to deal with this on your own.
And if you or someone you love needs a sympathetic ear, I’m available and can put you in touch with help. I’ve given up on being rich or famous – without regret. But I want my life to have purpose that I find in an empathy with others who are battling depression.
Email jerryattkisson@mindspring.com
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