Real Housewives of Atlanta: Straight outta Haterville
With Atlanta being too small for her ever-expanding ego, NeNe leaves “Haterville” with Kandi and Cynthia for a visit to Miami, and the sex talk starts even before they figure out it’s Lesbian Pride Week in South Beach. We hope they gave the poor bellman at their hotel $50 and a brain-eraser for listening to the ladies talk about throwing their legs back while waiting on his tip.
At lunch, Kandi confronts Nene about her fight with Shereè and all the claims of her new-found wealth. NeNe tells the other ladies that not only is she rich, but she also has no desire to discuss Shereè or Kim. Not at the beach, not with a leach, not on a train, not in the rain, not in a room or on the moon! Then later, being a member of the Nouveau Riche (not to mention the Nouveau Bitche), NeNe takes Cynthia and Kandi to look at a $9 million house for a possible move to Miami. Perhaps Bravo is trying to resurrect their Miami Housewives franchise by sending NeNe further South? Kandi, pragmatic as always, correctly counsels her to get a financial planner. Just because NeNe knows The Donald doesn’t mean she should live like The Donald, unless it’s a short-term lease that’s being picked up by Bravo.
The ladies then spend a day on Miami’s beach, complete with body image issues and some mean-girl comments from NeNe about how Kandi looks in her swimsuit. The sex talk continues with a discussion so racy, we can only say that kissing is important in all areas of the body, and NeNe likes pillow talk more involved than, “Zzzzzzzzzztttttt”. The ladies then pick up some Eurotrash guys playing Frisbee nearby, but NeNe shows she’s all talk, since the idea of an evening with the anyone new only makes her think of Gregg.
Phaedra has found her newest calling, as a boutique funeral home director. Problem is, husband Apollo’s phone doesn’t have the same ring-tone. Phaedra plots the opening of the Saks Fifth Avenue of funeral homes by visiting Willie A. Watkins again to see if he’ll serve as her mentor. Her obsession with funerals is starting to give us the willies. Seriously, we’re thankful someone this interested in playing with dead bodies is being followed by a camera crew.
Phaedra’s goes to study the mortuary sciences dressed as Scarlett O’Hara meets Elvira, except ya know, wearing Chanel. Packing her prayer cloth, Phaedra is sure not to offend with her luscious thighs and kneecaps, just her lack of compassion for those she wants to serve. For Phaedra, it seems, it’s all about the party planning and the invoicing.
On a walk with their son to talk about her newest venture, Phaedra shares her ideas with Apollo, making his current career as a relocation and asset manager sound sexy and full of life by offering him a job as a transportation manager or an embalmer at the new family business. Not expecting to have to come ready for a fight, Apollo bides his time, waiting for the right moment for a knockout punch-line. After putting up with Phaedra’s comments for long enough, Apollo picks up baby Ayden, smiles and says, “you’re getting heavy just like your Mama!” Pow! Right in the kisser! Oh, Apollo, you are a God.
Kim and Shereè meet up for a meal at a steak place to catch up on things, and since liquor, cigarettes and seafood are no longer a part of Kim’s diet, the main dish will have to be Filet of NeNe. Shereè speaks the truth when she says that NeNe is getting into it with everybody these days with an inflated sense of self straight from a reality show that’s even less real than the one in Atlanta.
You can think of Kim as a hater, but while NeNe and the gang hang in Miami, shopping expensive real estate, Kim is home nesting with Kroy and peeing every 30 minutes. The fairy tale continues. The first part of the tale is that Kim is only turning 33. Is she Dorian Gray or Benjamin Button? We just can’t tell. But for real, she and Kroy are happy, and it’s fun to watch, especially when Kim says she’s the one in the relationship who is, “kinda book smart” and “lacks common sense”. Were we were meant to insert the phrase “in bed” at the end of her sentences? They ring more true that way.
While Big Poppa hid off camera with a pseudonym, Kroy is camera-ready and a gentleman, proclaiming “he’s already a Dad” to Kim’s daughters, and planning to celebrate whatever birthday this is with a small surprise party and big piece of jewelry. He eventually whisks Kim away from the bathroom for a dinner for two.
The romantic dinner turns to discussion of Baby Kroy’s imminent arrival, and if you own a Mexican restaurant or salon, you’re in luck! Kim’s immediate TO DO list right after the baby’s birth includes: margaritas out the wazoo, Botox, Vela Shake on her thighs, rear and stomach, a facial peel and anything else she can get done. Most are wallet-denting indulgences, as Kroy might say, but he seems to know what he’s in for and is ready to support it. Kim and Kroy have a whole “Redneck-Fabulous”, Side-Boob Barbie & NRA Ken thing going on, and it makes for surprisingly entertaining television. We can’t wait for the spectacle that will surely be their baby shower coming up next week. Til then, keep it real, Atlanta.